Pumpkin Espresso loaf with Sunflower Maple crumble

“The world breaks everyone, and afterwards, some are strong at the broken places”

Ernest Hemingway

Every time I wonder into the kitchen, I never feel alone. I always imagine that I am baking next to those who created the recipes, sharing old memories in my mind as smells and motions bring thoughts back, and at times I look at the little step stool beside me, used for getting the cereals off of our high shelves and imagine the little feet that will one day stand on it to help me stir.

 

I can’t help but wander when I am in the kitchen, setting a timer for an hour long loaf goes by so much faster than even cleaning all the dishes waiting.

Lately I’ve been working on things that are really hard for my family. After a couple of years spent without connection, I have written to my grandparents again in hopes of making amends for things that should long be forgotten, and forgiven.

 

As I wait patiently a response, I’ve been reminding myself with every cracked egg, and whisk of cream that giving forgiveness is for yourself, and not for others. When we allow ourselves to forgive, we dig deeper, live with more intension, and try not to let other’s actions take so much place in your lives (and hearts).

 

I don’t want to grow old to remember the moments I did not let someone off the hook for, I want to remember that things hurt me, but that I grew from them and hopefully others did too. I want to remember that there are two sides even when it’s easy to overlook, and that when someone hurts another, often they are hurting too.

 

It’s hard, but for me, it starts by reminding myself of being mindful of what I can control, what I do remember, and saying a little silent -thank you- as I crack each egg into my bowl and remember how kind and fragile life can be. If we spent our days shielded from all things, we wouldn’t come back to simple tasks with gratitude.

Pumpkin Espresso Loaf 

Adapted from Pastry Affair

 

1/2 cup Brown Sugar

1 + 1/4 cup Pumpkin Puree

1/2 oil

2/3 cup milk infused with 10 coffee beans (simmer over low heat 30 minutes with lid on)

2 large eggs

Tablespoon vanilla

2 cups all purpose flour

2 teaspoons Baking powder

2 teaspoons cinnamon

Dash of nutmeg, cloves and salt.

 

Maple Sunflower Crumble

 

1/4 cup sunflower seeds

2 tablespoons maple syrup

tablespoon dark brown coarse sugar (or another heavy grain sugar)

a few coffee beans (optional)

 

Grease a loaf pan, and preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Whisk the brown sugar, pumpkin puree, oil and milk together, and add the eggs and vanilla. Slowly stir in the flour, baking powder, and spices.

Combine all of the crumble ingredients in a bowl, and press into the top of the loaf.

Bake for one hour, check that it is baked all of the way through and let cool.